Friday, April 13, 2012

I've been crafting!!

It has been driving me BONKERS that my baby is 3 months old and her room STILL isnt done! So its been my mission to get er done! Earlier this week me and my sister Natalee went to a store called wood creations! It is so addicting, I bought Wooden letters of Harley's name and Natalee showed me how to craft them! It was so much fun!

I was also on pinterest and saw how this cute crib skirt made out of tulle! I just HAD to do it!

Next on the list is spray painting her Lamp stand and finishing her curtains! wish me luck!


A while ago I went to Amanda's and stole lots of her digital scrapbook kits and it really got me in the mood to catch up on my scrapbooking! Thought I would show you some! :)

Harley's First Easter!

Easter was so much fun! On saturday we all went to my sister Amanda's house and had an awesome bbq and colored some easter eggs and played games! The next day the Easter Bunny came and gave Harley her first Easter basket! She was as excited as a 3 month old could get!

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Learning Photoshop!

I have started to learn about photoshop and its so hard! But I found some tutorials and learned a few things :)
This one is my FAVORITE! I didnt even need to enhance the blue.. thats just the natural color of her eye! I love them!

Now instead of just digital scrapbooking I get to photoshop the pictures AND scrapbook them! So much fun!!

Saturday, March 3, 2012

2 Months Old!

Harley is 2 months old now! Time has flown! We have both learned lots these past 8 weeks such as :
Loving bath time!
She loves bath time now and knows when its comin!

how to smile and melt our hearts even more!
how to suck her thumb!
how to cry and fuss the EXACT second I'm about to take my first bite of food

How to fall asleep on her tummy by herself!

how to SWALLOW! thank goodness :)
how to hold her head up!
how to talk! She is starting to find her voice and loves it!
She has learned so much so fast!

What I've learned!!
That getting her completely DRUNK with milk is the only way to get her back to sleep at 3 AM :)
that you get absolutely ZERO sleep!
 (yes I know this pic is AWFUL! and yes i'm yawning i'm not disgusted haha)
How to change a baby who has EXPLOXDED with poop :) Fun times..
Justin has leanred how to change a diaper! WOO!
PATIENCE is a virtue :)
how to clean faster, eat faster, and get ready faster BEFORE she wakes up :)
that its all about baby now :) No one really wants to know how you're doing anymore ;)
That Justin is an AMAZING daddy and partner :)

Most importantly I've learned that being a Mom is THE GREATEST reward on earth!
Parenthood is extremely challenging and hard but its so worth it :)

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Rough Start

When we got Harley home from the hospital I was SO nervous!! She had a couple of choking scares at the hospital and if you know me.. I am TERRIFIED of children choking!! So our first night we took shifts staying awake to watch her so she didnt choke in her sleep and she did just fine :) So the next day was visitors day! Everyone wanted to come meet our lil baby especially Amanda's kids because they werent allowed in the hospital! Everything was going good and Nan even brought us my favorite meal! Alfredo! Mmm! But later that night Justin's friends came to visit and they asked how she was doing and we told them how she chokes quite a bit. As we were saying that she started choking so I jumped up and grabbed her and went in the other room and tried to help her through it but then she started turning purple and I started panicing. I called for my mom cause I was getting scared and my mom ran in and took  Harley and got her color back and was doing ok. I was still a little shooken up but my mom had to hang up the phone with her friend to help me so she gave Harley back to me and went to go call her friend back. A minute later Harley started turning purple again so I called out for my mom. It took Harley a while to get her color back this time and I was getting scared. We had an appt the next day to see her pediatrician but I couldn't wait that long. So my mom called the pediatrician up to see what we could do and all of a sudden Harley starts turning purple AGAIN. The doctor asked what was happening while she was purple and we told him that her neck stiffens up and she kinda checks out for a minute. He said its nothing to worry about it sounds like its just Reflux because it happened right after I fed her. I didnt care. My baby wasnt breathing and I wasnt waiting until the next day. Luckily our doctor was on call that night and said that he would meet us at the hospital. He didnt seem to happy about it... I was scared to death to take her in the car. What if she started choking in her car seat? What if I couldnt get her out fast enough? It was just what if what if what if running through my head. Our Doctor, Doctor Brown said we could take an ambulance if we felt it was necessary but he said it seemed a little  extreme because it was just reflux. So me, Justin and my mom debated on what to do and decided that we would just drive. I was running around like crazy not sure what to do or what to grab. I couldn't think straight. My hormones were going CRAZY. I couldn't handle what was happening. When we got in the car I was hysterical. Me and my mom both sat in the back with Harley. She was fast asleep in her carseat but kept making little noises and I had to keep asking my mom if she was ok or if she was breathing. We had to drive ALL THE WAY to Ogden Regional. This was BY FAR the longest car ride of my life. Doctor brown said his nurses knew we were on our way and what was happening but when we got to the hospital the stupid receptionist wouldnt let us through!! She said you have to check in.. I said ya I know but can I just take her to where she needs to go and then come back? She kept saying you need to check in you need to check in so I said FINE! Check us in then! She takes her FREAKING SWEET TIME even though you could tell we were all paniced and in a hurry. Justin walks in a few minutes later from parking the car and the receptionist FINALLY gets the hint that this is an emergency and lets me and my mom go ahead while Justin checks her in. So me and my mom start walking around frantically not knowing where we are going and we run into some x-ray tech guy and ask him to help us. He took us to the wrong place so we had to back track! C'mon people! I was getting so impatient and so scared. When we FINALLY got to the pediactrics wing, it was around 9 and we had a nurse there waiting for us. She got us set up in the room and was so kind. She asked us what was going on and we explained to her that Harley stiffens her neck and turns purple. The nurse said ok well if it happens again, you come get me. Luckily there was only one other child in the nursery that night and so the nurse was at the desk right outside our door the whole night. About 10 minutes later after we get settled in it happened again. I ran out to get the nurse and she came in and gave Harley some oxygen. She said this is definitely not reflux, she is having an episode. While we were waiting for Doctor Brown, my Brother-in-Law Matt and Father-in-Law John came to give me and Justin a Blessing and Harley had 3 more "episodes". One of them was a really bad one. It was weird because all of her stats would be fine on the monitors when it would start so it wouldnt set the alarm off for the nurse to come but we knew when it was happening so we knew when to call her in before it got bad. It was so hard to see my brand new baby with all these wires connected to her but little did I know that wouldnt be the worst of it. Doctor Brown wanted the nurse to start a central line to start some fluids. I was far from mental stability to watch them poke her with a needle and give her pain at 3 days old. We were so lucky to have my mom there. She was brave and stayed with Harley so she wasnt alone. When it was over my mom said Harley didnt even cry. I felt a lot better but was still so shooken up when I saw her little hand with all that tape and blood on it. When Doctor Brown finally got there around 1:30, he wanted to run some tests. Once again they had to poke my sweet baby to get some blood. My mom was with her for that too. After that, they wanted x-rays to see if she had Phnemonia. At this point Me, Justin and my Mom were just in tears. This was by far the hardest thing we've ever had to do. When the chest x-rays came back, Dr. Brown said there was a spot on her lung that could possibly be Phnemonia but she didnt show any signs of it. She wasnt coughing, no fever and her lungs sounded perfectly clear. But they started her on Antibiotics anyway just to be safe. Then when we got the blood results back, everything was fine. Nothing came up. By now, Dr. Brown was confused and not sure what to do so he put in an order for a CT and an EEG but we had to wait until 7am for the CT to open and around 11 for the EEG. In the meantime he wanted to run yet again ANOTHER test. A spinal tap. When I heard this I broke down. That is such a painful procedure and I couldnt handle them hurting her again. No one was allowed in the room so she was all alone with some scary doctor and a nurse. A few minutes later I hear my baby screaming on the top of her lungs and just crying in so much pain. I will never forget that moment. I couldnt stop picturing what they were doing to her and her being alone while she was screaming in pain and me not being there to comfort her. The screaming wasnt stopping and I was getting worse. I couldn't breathe or even talk because I was crying and shaking so hard. My mom took me into the main hall so I couldn't hear it. I felt like we were in that hall for HOURS. It had been at least a half an hour when Justin came to tell us it was finally over. When we went to consult with the doctor he said he tired TWICE and got NOTHING! Once again I broke down. It was bad enough she had to get a spinal tap but TWO!? and to have them not get a sample!! They put her through that for absolutely nothing. My poor baby... Justin and I wish we could take the pain for her so badly. After that, we talked to Dr. Brown about how seizures run in Justin's family. He suggested we get her started on a medicine called Phenobarbital which would stop her seizures. This was heartbreaking because we knew that this medicine is pretty hardcore and can make you very lethargic. We were also concerned that it would tamper with the EEG results but Dr. Brown said we would start her on a low enough dose that it shouldnt affect it. So we had a tough choice. Don't give it to her and let her seize through the night till she got her EEG or give it to her and hope it doesnt affect any testing. Of course we chose to give it to her right away. We couldnt stand seeing our baby seizing any longer. It is the scariest thing imaginable. Dr. Brown was very tired and said he was going to go home and sleep but after a few hours he was still there and told us he was just going to spend the night and keep checking up on her. We were so thankful for him and you could tell he was honestly concerned for our little baby and was trying so hard to figure it all out.

It was a LONG night. Especially for my mom because she pulled an all nighter to stay up and hold the baby so me and Justin could "sleep".
(this is at primarys but the rooms pretty much looked the same)
It was a tiny room with a rocking chair, a big metal crib and a lounge chair that makes into a bed. So my mom held Harley and rocked in the rocking chair and I slept in the crib and Justin slept on the lounge bed. It had been HOURS since we had been home and since we left in such a hurry I didnt grab anything to take care of myself from having a baby 3 days before!! I was in so much pain. Emotionally and Physically. I couldn't sleep because I kept thinking about the next time she would want to eat. I was terrifed to feed her because I knew it would happen again. Every time I would feed her she would seize about 10-30 minutes later without fail. I felt like the worst mother in the world. Was I making her sick? I felt like such a failure. When morning finally came, we were first in line for the CT machine. It was weird walking my daughter down the same halls to the same machine I used when I was in my accident. I felt bad for Justin that both the girls in his life he's had to walk down that hall. The CT only took about 30 seconds then it was off back to her room to wait for the EEG and get another chest x-ray to check that spot that looked like phnemonia. Meanwhile mom had to go home and get some sleep so Natalee and Grandma came to help us out. Luckily Grandma and Grandpa stopped at our apartment first to get some of my things and my medicine! By then I was hurtin bad.. not to mention I was starting to get engorged! It was hard to be so emotional and in so much pain and not be home. A few hours later it was time for her EEG that would take an hour. The lady came up to her room with a big machine and started setting up. It was so stressful because I knew Harley couldn't move during this test and she was hungry so I told the lady I needed to feed her and she just snapped at me and said "Well'h I gotta set this up!" I said I know, but if I don't feed her she will just cry and wiggle the whole time. The lady was so mean and just didnt understand and snapped at me again and said "Fine. Just do what you gotta do." I was so shocked that she was being so rude so I said I'm just trying to help you so its easier for you and she just ignored me. I had to hold back the tears and the nasty comments I SO wanted to yell at her. So after I fed Harley and got her to sleep I put her back in the crib and the lady started putting all the wires on her head. I was actually starting to feel relief and "excitement" for this test because throughtout justin's family history, every time they got an EEG it would show the seizure and where its coming from. All I wanted was the answer and for this to be over. Meanwhile, me and Justin just couldn't find an appetite and hadn't eaten in a while so my Grandma and Grandpa took us to Subway so we could regain some strength even though I was no where near wanting any food or wanting to leave Harley all alone with the mean nurse. It was getting near an hour after the test had started so me and Justin headed back up to her room. The nurse told us that she talked to the Neurologist and he heard that Harley had her seizures after she ate so he wanted me to feed her and run the test for another half hour. Luckily I had pumped a bottle earlier that I could give her so I didnt have to pick her up and mess up all the wires. So after I fed her, we all waited for it to happen so it could be recorded on the EEG even though she didnt necessarily need to have a seizure for them to find where it was coming from. It was a long half hour.. but nothing happened. So the lady packed up and left and 10 minutes later Harley had a seizure.. Just our luck! I was so aggravated. Now it was time to wait for results. CT was clean and so was the chest x-ray. The spot that was there before was gone. We had to wait hours to hear back from the Neurologist but when we did it was bitter sweet news... the test was clear. I wasnt really excpecting to hear that. I was so hoping they would find something so they could fix it and we could take our baby home. So now there was nothing left to do and no more tests to run. Dr. Brown called from his office and told me that we were going to be transferred to Primary Childrens and there was already a room waiting for her and that we would be going by ambulance that night. While we were packing up and getting ready to go Dr. Brown came by to talk to us and tell us how sorry he was that this is how we had to start parenthood and he couldn't imagine how hard it must be and that he would call daily to check up on us and Harley. When the EMT's got there to pick us up I was so nervous. They said only one of us could go with her and I asked them to please let justin sit up front. Luckily these guys were so nice and understanding and said he could. The ride from Ogden Region to Primarys was LONG and nerve racking but the EMT kept me calm and talked to me the whole way there. He could tell I was nervous so he told me that he told the other EMT to speed so we could get there faster. Almost an hour later we finally got to Primarys and my mom was already there waiting for us. When we got to her room the nurses came in and hooked up all her wires and luckily, they kept in her old IV so she wouldnt have to get a new one.

At this point, I was BEYOND tired from absolutely no sleep the past few nights and I could barely keep my eyes open and Justin was right there with me.. just beyond exhausted. We didnt even have time to settle in before Harley was hungry and we got ambushed by a thousand doctors all asking the same questions. We had to tell her story over and over and over again to every doctor. One doctor said she was looking a little Jaundice and that they wanted to check her bilirubin levels and run some other blood tests. So when the phlebotomist got there I had to leave the room and once again my mom stayed in there to keep her company and help her stay calm. When it was over my mom said Harley didnt even cry and that she just layed there patiently like an angel. After getting her blood drawn one of the doctors came back after consulting with the other doctors on what to do. She said that the plan  was to do a more accurate EEG with a much better machine than what they had at Ogden but of course we had to wait until morning and that we couldnt give her the Phenobarbital so the test would be completely accurate. I was SO not happy with this. The phenobarb only lasts in your system for 24 hours and the 24 hour mark was in 4 hours. This meant we had to sit all night in fear again which also meant no sleep due to serious anxiety. I couldn't hold back my tears any longer..once again, I just broke down. It didnt help when the doctor said I couldnt feed her after 2 AM because she was going to have another spinal tap around 6 AM and that they were going to sedate her for it. Once again, SO not happy with this. It did make me feel a little better knowing she was going to be sedated for this one and that she wouldnt feel a thing but not being able to be there for her was the hardest part. By some miracle we made it through the night with no medicine and no seizures but once 6 AM hit she was not a happy camper. She was absolutely STARVING! That sugar water wasnt doing a darn thing. My mom kept telling the people to please call them and get this scheduled, this baby is starving. So the nurses said oh well now we cant call them till 7 am and then they said they couldnt call until 7:45 and Harley was just getting more hungry and more upset by the minute. Luckily my mom had prayed and prayed for the lord to help my sweet baby girl and help subside the hunger and 5 minutes later the doctor walked in and said that we could feed her. I asked why it all of a sudden changed and the Dr said because she can't get the EEG before her spinal tap and if she were to be sedated before the EEG it would mess up the results so they just decided not to sedate her for the spinal tap. My heart dropped into my stomach... her being sedated was the only way I was going to be ok with her getting A THIRD spinal tap. Immediately I fed Harley and was just adoring her when I noticed her IV looked a little different. So I called in the nurse and she said that it had come completely out and that she had to put another one in when Harley was finished eating. I got sick to my stomach thinking that her IV had been out this whole time and she wasnt getting that sugar water and had been starved FOR NO REASON! What else can this 5 day old baby possibly go through!? When Harley was done eating the nurse came in to give harley her new IV which she had to do in the opposite hand. This time they gave her a cast so it was impossible to pull out. Thank goodness!!

When the nurse came in and said it was time to take her to her spinal tap I got really anxious and emotional like I had gotten with everything else. The nurse was so nice to let me hold her while we walked there instead of making her stay in the crib. This definitely helped calm my nerves a tiny bit. When we walked into the room it was very intense.There was  a HUGE tv that was hooked up to an ultrasound so they could see where they were going and a big bench/bed for the procedure and all the trays and doctors and the nurse was a little overwhelming. It was beyond hard to just lay my baby down on that big bed and walk away. Once again I couldn't stop picturing them holding her down in the fetal position and shoving a big needle into her back while she screams in pain. When me and Justin got back to the room it only took about 10 minutes before the nurse brought Harley back in. I was so afraid to hold her and accidentally touch the spot on her back and cause her even more uneccesary pain. But it didnt matter because Harley is the sweetest baby. She was still happy and smiling through it all and just seeing her cute little dimples made it a lot easier :)

Now it was just time to wait because we couldnt get an EEG appt until the next day. So later that night when the doctors came to do their rounds they told us that all her bloodwork was clean but she was a little Jaundice which was totally normal for a baby her age. They also said that the doctor who did her spinal tap got a sample! He didnt get as much as they wanted but they said they would make do with what they got and that it would take a few days to test the sample to see if it grew anything or showed any signs of Meningitis. That night we finally got a little bit of sleep because we knew that all the painful procedures were done and the nurse had let justin sleep in an empty room across the hall so it was nice and quiet for him :) The next morning when the Doctors came to do their rounds they wanted to run more labs and check her bilirubin levels again and to tell us that she would have her EEG that day at 3:00. When 3:00 rolled around there were SO many people in our room. All our doctors, nurses, financial lady, lactation lady and 4 of our family members! that is about 20 people all in one little tiny room. I was so stressed out! We were half hour late to our appt because of the ambush. When we walked into the room they gave us a cute blanket made by volunteers so we could wrap her up and keep her comfortable. They were so nice. They even said I could hold her if I wanted to but I knew my arms wouldnt let me hold her still for an entire hour! So i wrapped her up tight and put her to sleep and layed her on the bed and they started putting the wires on her head. There was at least a hundred of them! The one at ogden only had about 20! It was pretty hardcore. Putting the wires on her head took about half an hour so it was around 4:15 by the time we got started. They let us stay in the room with her which was so nice because the lights were dimmed and they were playing soft music and me and justin hadnt been alone in 5 days and we just got to sit down and relax and finally have time to talk to each other. It was definitely the perfect time for some peace and quiet and time with my hubby :) When the test was almost over the technician came in and put a strobe light about 5 inches away from her face and tested 7 different flashes of the strobe light to see if it would cause a seizure. It was kind of nerve racking and scary! Luckily she didnt have a seizure and didnt need to for them to find something abnormal on the test. When it was over the technician was talking to us and asked how old Harley was. I said she was 5 days and he said 5 months? Wow she's so little.. thats sad for something like this to be happening to such a small baby and we said no.. she's 5 DAYS. He felt so bad but he knew what we were going through because his son had seizures too when he was about 5 years old. He was so gentle with Harley and tried so hard not to pull her hair when he took the wires off. I was so thankful we got him to do her test. When we got back to the room Amanda and my Grandma were there to keep an eye on Harley while me and Justin run home and shower and get a change of clothes!! It felt SO weird leaving her there. I remember walking out of the hospital and seeing a woman carrying a carrier with her baby in it and I thought to myself that its so unfair she has a healthy baby and gets to take her home. I also found myself starting to feel some resentment towards my friends that had their babies a couple weeks before that they didnt have to do this.. they just got to have their healthy babies and take them home and all was well.  Why did we have to go throught this? When we got home we hurried and showered and I packed some more clothes because I wasnt sure how much longer we were going to be at the hospital. I was in such a hurry to get back because I just felt horrible leaving my baby at the hospital. I knew she wasnt alone but I felt like we had a sick baby and just dropped her off and said here you go.. deal with this and we'll be back. We made it back to the hospital just in time for the doctors to do their nightly rounds. They didnt have much information to give us this time but hoped by morning time we would have some answers. All night I still just felt like the EEG was gonna give us all the answers and I felt somewhat calm but when the doctors came back the next morning they still didnt have results from it but they did have our Spinal Tap results! They said that the cultures didnt grow anything but there were some white blood cells in the sample and that is a sign of meningitis but she didnt show any other signs of it and they said they are 99% sure she didnt have meningitis but had to treat it anyway just for precautions. It makes me sooo mad that they found white blood cells because it could have been from her first 2 spinal taps that Dr. Brown messed up and they made her bleed! So the blood in the sample is possibly where the white blood cells came from. So now she had to be treated for something she didnt have all because Dr. Brown wasnt qualified enough to do a spinal tap in the first place!! My poor baby... can she just catch a break please?? So they started talking about the treatment plan and the plan was she needed to be on antibiotics for 2 weeks but she had been on 5 antibiotics since the day we got there so we only needed to do it for about 11 more days. Since she had to have antibiotics for such a long period of time, they told us she needed a PICC line. A PICC line is a central line they insert into her vein and they thread it up so its right next to her heart so the medicine gets into her system faster and then they stitch down the base to her arm so it doesnt come out.

 I think this was even worse than the spinal tap because it was something totally uneccesary and painful because she didnt get to be sedated. When the nurse came in to talk to us a little more about it she said that the team that does the PICC lines was super busy and probably wouldnt have time to do it until the next day. THANK GOODNESS! I needed time to process it all. A couple of hours later the PICC line lady came in to talk to us about it in more detail. It just kept sounding worse and worse. She said they don't sedate them but they give them something called "sweeties" which is just sugar water and it somehow numbs the pain and they do just fine. I still couldnt handle the thought of it. It made it a thousand times worse when she all of a sudden said they would be back up in an hour to do it! It was all happening way too fast. This was the first day no one was there helping us because we thought we could handle being alone for once. Boy was I wrong. My mom had been me and Justin's main support system the whole time and she kept us calm. Boy did I need her at that moment. Me and Justin were so sad and and feeling so guilty. I tried calling my mom but she was still sleeping! When the team got to her room they were all draped in surgical suits and had masks and all this equipment. They said they had to make her room into an OR so they draped everything and made sure everything was super sterile. Of course we couldnt be in the room with her so we got kicked out. We went down to the cafeteria to wait for John and Olinda because they were going to bring us lunch even though I had no appetite whatsoever. I was so upset. I had finally gotten a hold of my mom and said I needed her to come asap because I needed help through this. My mom was already in tears and said she would get in the car right then and come. The hospital has HORRIBLE cell reception so when my mom got to the hospital she thought we were up in Harley's room because she couldn't get a hold of us. When she went into Harley's room everyone was still in there and they said she couldn't come in because they were still waiting for x-ray to come and make sure they got the PICC line in place. My mom asked the nurses how she was doing and they said she didnt even cry. When my mom finally found us and told me that, I felt SO much relief. I really hope she didnt feel anything. When we got to go back to her room the doctors followed shortly with Harley's EEG results. It was clean. How is this possible!? Still no answers. We were getting so discouraged and nervous to what was gonna happen next. The neurologist basically told us that everything they have done has come up clean and that we will never know the answer to why she is having seizures and they are just assuming its the benign familial seizures that run in his family and that they will go away within 6 months with the phenobarbital. So after a week in the hospital and beyond thousands of dollars in tests and procedures, we were going home with no answers. Since Harley still needed antibiotics we had to give them to her ourselves through her PICC line. So they set us up with a homecare nurse who would come show us how and come change the dressing once a week. We had to give her the antibiotics every 6 hours. 3 AM, 9AM, 3PM and 9PM. We had to to do a saline flush, the antibiotic for the course of 5 minutes and then another saline flush and then a flush of heparin so her blood wouldnt clot.

 It was scary because the Doctors told us that these have a high risk of infection so we had to be super careful and pretty much quaratine her from everything and everyone. It was so hard not to let our family and friends hold her or even come visit  for almost 2 weeks. But in the end, after all we've been through we didnt wanna risk ANYTHING. Not even a stuffy nose for this poor baby.  It was rough when we got home becaues we were so scared to let her our of our sight. My mom stayed with us during the course of her antibiotics and we took shifts at night so she would always have someone looking out for her just in case. After a few nights we were finally going to all try and sleep during the night when she slept. It was a big step for us! It was around 11 PM and we got in our pj's and were just about to go to bed when Harley had another seizure... We were so scared and didnt know what to do so I called 911. When the ambulance got there she was doing fine but we decided to take her to Primarys. Luckily she didnt have another one. When we got to the ER they wanted to check her Phenobarb levels and they were way to low so they gave her an extra dose and wanted us to up it. They gave us the option to stay the night or go home but the doctor said staying the night really wouldnt do any good because he promised us that the medicine would only do more good than bad and she would be ok and if she had another seizure just do exactly what we did and call 911. So we decided to go home and of course we couldnt let her out of our sight again so we started our shifts. A week later still no seizures and it was time for her PICC line to come out!! We were so excited to have "normal" baby and be able to give her real baths and put her in normal clothes  cause we couldnt before with her bandages! Most of all we were excited not to be scared of infection anymore. So our nurse came over and it only took about 2 seconds! She just snipped the stitches and pulled it out and Harley didnt even feel it! All thats left is 3 little scars that tell a story. She was such an angel through it all. When she got mad or hurt, she would only fuss for a few seconds and them calm herself down. She is such a perfect baby. When my mom left, Justin and I were still too scared to fall asleep with her so the both of us took turns staying awake with her. I was TERRIFIED to be alone with her so we got an order for an oxygen tank from our Doctor just in case she had a seizure, we knew we at least had that. That helped calm our nerves A TON. We finally got brave enough to sleep with her at night and we all did just fine. To this day she still sleeps withs us and I don't see an end to that any time soon!

It was definitely not the ideal start to parenthood but it was a trial that made us stronger and still is. I'm just barely starting to feel like myself again and back to "normal". It was hard enough to go through all of that but adding post labor horomes, pain, and being engorged and still trying to learn the ropes of parenthood all at once was almost too much. But we all made it through and Harley, Justin and I are doing just fine :) We are SO grateful for my Mom and everything she did for our Family. She sacrificed a lot and went through just as much pain as we did. I hope I can be as good as a mom and she is. I definitely have a lot to learn from her. I love my mom so much and I hope she knows it and that I will never forget what she has done for me. Both our families and friends were so supportive and so helpful we cant thank them enough. We really appreciate all of you and everything you did. Harley means the world to us and we can't picture life without her. She is one of the 2 loves of my life and she makes us SO happy. I hope with all my heart that this is Harley's big trial in life and she doesnt have to go through anything else like it ever again. She is literally our miracle baby for making it this far. Her trial isnt over yet and we hope that in 4 months when they wing her off her phenobarbital that the seizures are gone. We love our sweet angel and love being a family of 3 :) I've never been so happy in my life!!